What. A. Week. With the entire league facing similarly ranked opponents, this week had the potential to shake up the pecking order, but instead brought the entire league within 2 games of first. I thought we were an anti-socialism league here. I guess like the actual NFL, there are no elite teams - going to be a hell of a second half boys. Anyways, it’s still ANYONE’S chip to win. We had some late-night heroics, flu games, questionable QLs, and more name changes than Sleeper could process. Oh yeah, Vamsi also put up 195 this week. Now I’m just going to jump into the matchups so I can get this out before Kiran cucks me again.
Apologies up front if this isn’t Aidan quality, but I’m doing what I can on short notice - some people just don’t want to work anymore.
A game vaunted as the next Chiefs-Bills ended up turning into a Boys-Rams level snoozefest as Pete’s Deshaun? Really? absolutely ASSAULTED Nikith’s Pukachu I Choose You from the get go, the matchup ending in a mid as fuck scoreline of 141 to 121. CMC again tried to put Nikith’s team on his back with a 30 point performance, but Desmond Ridder couldn’t deal with getting outshone by Will “The Truth” Levis and left with 3 points, setting Nikith up for an absolute mulligan of a week. Sources say that Nikith may be on the market for a WR with Kirko going down, Puka getting his shit rocked by the Boys all game long, and Olave having to deal with Derek Carr at QB. On the side of the matchup, Pete did not take no for an answer, with standout performances from Austin Ekeler, Tyreek Hill, and... Evan Engram? Dude is a sneaky TE6, or maybe TEs are just that ass this year. Anyways, Nikith’s quest to take all of our money continues next week with the Battle for Tulsa against the imploding 1WTC, while Pete takes on another playoff team with Dean’s Ja’Martians.
In a “loser gets exiled from the Brahmin caste” matchup, Vamsi’s The Two Plate Club caught Kiran’s Tuffington U Rizzlers with a “do you even lift bro” and sent Kiran home with only eye-contacts and she bad’s on the record. After declaring before the week that he had a masterplan involving waivers and trade offers, Vamsi once again showed he was capping out of his ass when all he did was pick up Dalton Kincaid, but it didn’t matter as he baby-on-babied his way to 194.28 points and a 45+ point blowout. Big V got carried by some insane production from AJ “The Real AJ” Brown, Deandre “8.7 Points Per Catch” Hopkins and Tyler “Saagar’s Neighbor” Lockett. On the other side,
Kiran’s growing piss-play kink bled into his fantasy team’s piss-poor week in an outing that surely had Special K dropping a few N words on Stoner Ave.
Quick moment of silence for Kirko and Kiran’s season. Thank you.
For real though, Kiran got kind of robbed as his team put up a solid 148.78, with good performances across the board outside of D’Onta”’s Still In The League?” Foreman and Chubba “Hubba” Hubbard. We’ll see if Kiran can grab something more than just a warm body at RB when he takes on Aidan next week to see who’ll be blowing who when Kiran gets back to LA this weekend, while we’ll see Vamsi face me in a matchup of loud-ass brown boys and the top two scorers from this week.
In a performance that he will definitely stop talking about in a reasonable amount of time, Aiden’s Hey Aayush Lick My Taint stormed to a late win on Monday night over Lorcan’s Herbie Fully Loaded to finally put some distance between him and the sacko spot. Do NOT let this guy get Allen Robinson or David Montgomery, he might go all the way. Aduan’s early season gamble on Jahmyr “190 Pounds Soaking Wet” Gibbs paid off this week, as his 29.9 points were more than enough to counter Lorcan with Jared Goff, Josh Jacobs, and Daniel Carlson on MNF and give Eighdan a 144 to 131 W. After being named Ian’s “sleeper team” of the year, Lorcan’s squad has fallen dead asleep, with 2 straight losses and a matchup with Ian on the horizon - bro desperately needs an RB2, Aaron Jones is softer than me playing with the lead in Madden. Ayden takes on Kiran in a matchup b/w the two guys dominating the 10 seed so far, while Ian will be hoping his sleeper pick is still snoring away when Lorcan plays him in Week 9.
In the other matchup of playoff teams this week, Dean’s Ja’Martians threw out all of Ian’s Hall of Lame’s scratch paper and forced them to put on shirts at the dining table in another tight matchup, this one ending 151 to 139. Saagar’s crippling addiction to losing continues to bolster Dean’s team as Travis “Hunter? Scott? Kelce? No...” Etienne balled out again, this time putting up 26 against a solid Steelers D, while Ja’Marr “The Franchise” Chase absolutely dogged the Niners in an upset with 25 points. Definitely a QW in our books, but Dean’s insanely low PA and middling PF make us think he’s not been tested. On the other side, coming off a tight win against me, Ian’s team showed their true colors as choke artists as Patty and Davante put up less than 8 points combined. Ian’s chirping about Davante for years finally came back to bite him in the ass, as he showed why he’s not a top 30 receiver in the league this week. With all the
playoff teams knotted at 5-3 and a few lurkers at 4-4, Dean and Ian need to deliver wins for their fanbases as they face tough matchups in Pete and Lorcan respectively.
This was the REAL Battle for NYC of the week, fuck that boring ass New Jersey Giants and Jets matchup. Saagar’s 1WTC continued to call for emergency dispatch this week, but the phone lines were clogged up by Swifties as Saagar took another tough loss to Aayush’s Taylor... Kelce? by a final score of 168 to 143 in a matchup that was done and dusted before Saagar even pulled up to the crib for Redzone. Some tough lineup decisions blew up in Saagar’s face this week, as Rachaad White dogged on his bench while James Cook and Tony Pollard did pretty much nothing, combining for under 14 points. Rumors are Saagar bet the under on Rashaad’s rushing line, which explains everything. He did get bailed by an otherworldly performance out of Ceedee ”Bro’s A GOAT Not A” Lamb, who did whatever he wanted against the Rams for 41 points. My team was too nice this week though, highlighted by Sam “Beating The Eagles Is His Super Bowl” Howell’s crazy 30 point and QB1 performance and Jaylen “Does He Know Any Other Cellys Other Than The” Waddle finally coming through with 25. Don’t sleep on us, especially if Taylor shows up to the game in Germany next week. I’ll be facing Vamsi in another 5 v. 6 matchup next week while Saagar will try to avoid dropping back into sacko territory as he plays a momentum-needy Nikith.
Thanks for the guest write-up spot boys, stay safe out there and keep your head when we lose to Washington