Week 7 of the 2023 season
Ladies, Gentlemen, and everything in between we have arrived at week 7 in our glorious fantasy football season. Word on the street is that Dean has fully stopped counting the days in terms of the calendar year and now measures time in terms of fantasy football weeks. "When is Thanksgiving again this year? Oh yeah, it's week 12." But it's a children's game so who really cares. This is the first week we're seeing bye weeks really start to impact lineups and with the metric-fuckton of injuries out there. How will both our playoff and Sacko contenders adjust?
Ja’Martians (JAM) vs Mickey Mouse Club House (MICK): The Battle of Chicago
Betting Stats:
- Sleeper Projections: MICK 136.23 - JAM 120.01
- Expert Spread: JAM -2
The battle of Chicago heats up this week as Aidan gets another visitor from the Chard. Am I reading this correctly or is the Mickey Mouse Club House actually projected to beat Dean and his squad of "frauds" by 16 points!? Aidan is starting to dial in a solid lineup of players from QB through his defense and could come away with his second win of the season here against the PR 2 team in the league. But while his team looks solid on paper, will he actually get contributions from suspected frauds on his time like Deebo "Deebs Nutz" Samuel. If Jahmyr is actually healthy this weekend Aidan might finally have a chance to see some points from his FLEECE from Aayush with Monty being out for the weekend. Dean's cast of Jaguars and players named B-Rob don't look too scary this week but never count this man out. He already made that mistake himself attempting to tank mid-match during week two, trading away his players for picks only to have the script flipped and take a Monday night W against Saagar. A hampered 49ers offense could see Aiyuk get even more targets this weekend as they take on a questionable Detroit secondary. And, if Etienne keeps can continue to cook like a batch of frozen TJs samosas left in the oven all night then Dean can inch closer to playoff glory. In a battle of the glazed versus the glazer, we watch closely to see who comes out on top.
Tuffington U. Rizzlers (RIZZ) vs. One World Trade Center (BOMB): The Toilett Bowl
Betting Stats:
- Sleeper Projections: BOMB 116.02 - RIZZ 85.71
- Expert Spread: BOMB -7
An already weak Tuffington U football team gets even weaker with 3 starters out on bye this week and literally no bench to replace them. Kiran is carrying 3 bye week players and 3 injured players on the bench making his team look like Last Chance U hosted a charity game for some make a wish kids (would still be better than the 2023 Broncos). Saagar and his new team name are still looking strong despite Pollard, Thielen, Ceedee, JJeff, AND Justzyn Fields all out. His QB duo consisting of his neighbor Baker Mayfield and Tua "no longer turns the ball ova" could be enough on their own to finish off Tuffington U. But don't count the Rizzlers out, they're on a two-game win-streak and have plenty of momentum going into this match-up. If they can pull off the upset for the third week in a row, then Saagar will embody the spirit of his team and tear that shit down. The only thing keeping this match-up somewhat entertaining is the pack of Zyns on the line for the winner. There are already side bets out there circulating on what flavor the winner's pack will be, will it be a 3 or 6 milli pack, and even if the brand will be Zyn or one of the stronger European competitors.
Hall of Lame (DATE) vs. Taylor... Kelce? (TAY): Victory Room- mates Turned Rivals
Betting Stats:
- Sleeper Projections: TAY 140.41 - DATE 137.04
- Expert Spread: TAY -2
In the highest projected scoring match-up of the week we've got the Victory roommates going head-to-head. Aayush's squad is coming off of their biggest week of the season but is that kind of performance sustainable? Aayush and his sexual attraction to his players is left blue balled this week after finding out that AR will undergo season ending surgery but maybe he can get just enough action from Sam Howell to bust a nut? Regardless, he still has certified smoke, 11/10, first-round-pick worthy Amon'ra in the lineup and he's coming off one of the biggest games of his career. Ian on the other hand is still projected to be a dawg in this fight. Both Patty Mahomesand Jordan Love have favorable matchups this weekend which could be a huge boost for Ian's team after playing Jimmy "I dated a porn star" Garropolo and Kenny "Can he stop throwing Picks" Pickett for the past 6 weeks. Look out for a match-up to come down to the wire with Ian's 49ers Defense playing on Monday night.
Pukachu, I choose you! (PUKA) vs. Herbie Fully Loaded (FULL): The battle of the strangers
Betting Stats:
- Sleeper Projections: FULL 131.47 - PUKA 131.00
- Expert Spread: PUKA -3
I know we joked about Vamsi having never met Nikith before but now I'm serious when I say I don't think Lorcan has ever met him? It doesn't matter, we all know these two fellas would vibe well with one another. Lorcan would offer Nikith some snacks and in return Nikith would pay Lorcan with the money he took from all of us in the poker game. These two chillers are nearly tied with their Sleeper projections heading into their match-up. Lorcan's QB play will take on some tough defenses this weekend but so will Nikith's running backs. CMC scored a tuddy last weekend despite mediocre play otherwise and after sitting out part of the game with an injury, Nikith and his playoff hopes rest in a healthy CMC this weekend. 7 of Nikith's players have favorable matchups heading into the weekend including Tyler Bass playing against the worst team in the NFL. Good thing Josh Allen is only as good as his opponent because that means we'll probably see a lot of failed red-zone trips for the Bills and a bunch of field goals in return. If Tyler Bass can get score 3s like Aidan, then this will be an easy W for the other Oklahomie in the league. Make no mistake, Herbie Fully Loaded is still just as formidable heading into the match-up with Josh Jacobs playing against the Bears and having no real QB to throw the ball this weekend. Will Lorcan's dream running back come up big for him again this weekend and show us why he was the number one running back in fantasy last season? A win for Lorcan this weekend would send him into the +.500 club and should have him celebrating like that industry plant Chargers fan from Monday night.
The Two Plate Club (CLUB) vs. ...Deshuan? Really? (REAL): The Battle of Unit 5
Betting Stats:
- Sleeper Projections: CLUB 113.01 - REAL 111.98
- Expert Spread: REAL -2
Vamsi basically evicted himself out of his room junior year when he chose to sleep on an air mattress in Unit 5 because Pete's gaming was "too loud". Sources say they've made up, but an insider has told me that Vamsi still blames his failed MCAT(s) on Pete. Vamsi is out for blood this weekend against his former roommate as he looks to hand the Professor his 3rd loss in a row. His team has some holes like playing Josh "No Eyebrows" Dobbs at QB2 but he's also got some huge upside at running back with Pacheco and the Chiefs flailing pass offense, as well as AJ Brown aka "Jacked Batman". Vamsi has also signed the KC legend Mecole Hardman as he returns home to hopefully give some life to that receiving core. Pete on the other hand is projected to lose but only by 2 points despite not having a QB2 or a defense in his lineup at the time of this writing. His triple threat of Ekeler, Tyreek, and Keenan will always keep him in games no matter what. I'm honestly convinced he could win with these three guys alone even if he didn't fill the empty lineup spots. But this week is no guarantee as the Chargers take on one of the better defenses in the league as they head to KC. I'm not sure who might take this W but I can tell you Justin Herbert will somehow find a way to throw the game again this weekend.
That’s all from me this week. Sam Hartman is into piss play and GO BROWNS!