Week 6 of the 2023 season
Week 6 Preview
Ladies and gentlemen, football fanatics and armchair quarterbacks, it's that time of the week again! Dean “PR #1” Tessone back again for an electrifying week 6 preview. We're diving headfirst into the gridiron mayhem of the PAC-10, where we have started to see a group of sprinters separate from the pack faster than Kelvin Kiptum. Will we see the top of the league fall, or will the playoff picture become clear in just week 6?
Hall of Lame (HOL) vs. Tuffington U Rizzlers (RIZZ): The Battle to Get a Date
Sleeper predictions: HOL 138.38 – RIZZ 120.62
Expert Spread: RIZZ -3
In this matchup, we have two of the league’s most eligible bachelors, Ian “3rd Date” Broadbooks and Kiran “Jungy” Krishnamurthi, going head to head in a quest to get a win – or at least a second date. The HOL comes into this matchup after a surprising victory against …Deshaun? Really?, which was more shocking than Ian’s chances of landing a date on Friday and even tighter than his infamous date polo. Ian "3rd Date" Broadbooks, the HOL quarterback, is notorious for his uncanny ability to turn a promising date into a disaster by the third meeting. Perhaps it's his penchant for discussing fantasy football stats or his knack for mistaking a touchdown dance for a romance-enhancing twirl, but Ian's dating life has become a legendary tale in itself. Kiran "Jungy" Krishnamurthi, the lead rusher for RIZZ, isn't doing much better in the dating game. His frequent fumbles on the field mirror his many missteps when attempting to score off it. However, a recent acquisition of some puss by Kiran clearly motivated his squad to their first victory of the season. We only hope to see this continue, and we predict a decisive victory for Kiran, further sentencing Ian to dating purgatory.
Taylor… Kelce (TK) vs. Mickey Mouse Clubhouse (MMC): The Battle for Cringe Guy
Sleeper predictions: TK 139.83 – MMC 137.24
Expert Spread: MMC -1
In this matchup, we have two of the league’s most cringe, and most lovable, members. Known for saying things such as “the logarithm predicts” and “Lick my taint”, these guys have gone through the cycle of most clowned on more than any other. This week’s battle brings two faltering fantasy managers to a decisive battle, with the loser being crowned Chard Cringe Guy. Prepare for a game filled with eyebrow-raising decisions, improbable strategies, and side-splitting moments. Will Taylor... Kelce's sexual attraction prevail, or will the Mickey Mouse Clubhouse's taint-licking tactics steal the show? No matter the outcome, it's guaranteed to be a riot, and the Chard Cringe Guy title will be a badge of honor they'll carry with a unique blend of humor and humility. Stay tuned for the most cringe-worthy matchup of the season.
Justzyn Fields (ZYN) vs. ? Deshaun? Really (D?R?): Battle for the Casino
Sleeper predictions: ZYN 139.09 – D?R? 130
Expert Spread: D?R? -4
ZYN’s team is in shambles. JJeff is on IR. He traded away his first round pick. He traded away Etienne. The only savior he has left is Justzyn Fields, a 100 milli monster that he found in the gutter and immediately put in. The strength of that lip pilly has saved his team from complete and utter embarrassment the last two weeks. This week, not even 100 milli will save him from the dreaded touch of Deshaun? Really? D?R? is coming off their first loss of the season in a game tighter than the women that Deshaun assaulted. He kept it close, and proved that even with injuries and bye weeks, his team is a week-in, week-out, royal flush. The winner of this week will be crowned Gambling Addict of the Year, a title that we all could only wish to wear.
Frauds TM (FRD) vs. Herbie Fully Loaded (HFL): Battle of the Girlfriend Guys
Sleeper predictions: FRD 141.00 – HFL 123.04
Expert Spread: FRD - 7
In this fantasy matchup, it's not just about touchdowns and tackles; it's about who can be the ultimate Girlfriend Guy. We're pitting the Frauds, more fraudulent than ever on the field, against Herbie Fully Loaded, who's managed to turn his team into a 10/10 smokeshow – and yes, we're not just talking about the roster! The Frauds have raised eyebrows all season long, being more fraudulent than a guy who says, "I'll call you," and then doesn't. With over 80 points fewer scored against them than any other team, they've become the enigma of the league. They're now hyped up as the number one overall seed, more surprising than his ability to land a girl in the first place. Meanwhile, Herbie Fully Loaded has fought valiantly through multiple brutal losses and transformed his team into a bona fide smokeshow. It's like watching the ugly duckling turn into a swan, only with fewer feathers and more touchdowns. HFL has shown the league that when it comes to both football and romantic appeal, he's a perfect 10. If only his team's performance could win him as many hearts as his charming personality does. FRD has witnessed the resurgence of Jamarr, a comeback as shocking as that moment when you realize your girlfriend has zero interest in your fantasy football stories. As they continue to rise, it's clear that FRD is not just vying for the league championship but for the esteemed title of Girlfriend Guy, a distinction that he'll likely wear with equal parts pride and shame for the rest of the year. Get ready for a matchup that's bound to keep you on the edge of your seat, not just for the football drama, but to see who will clinch the title of Girlfriend Guy!
Pukachu I Choose You (PICY) vs. Two Plate Club (TPC): IDK if these guys have ever spoken to one another
Sleeper predictions: PICY 137.25 – TPC 127.20
Expert Spread: PICY -16
Fresh off of back to back wins, the Two Plate Club is making Dean “PR#1” eat his words about his team being chunky. Just like he fought off his childhood bully demons in the gym, his team has been putting in the work to trim the fat. Meanwhile, PICY is coming off of a loss to last place “Jungy” Krishnamurthi, which only this writer predicted would happen. However, this week sees PICY elevate Jordan “Trojan” Addison to the starting lineup, where he will surely have a clear role with JJeff out, juicing Nikith’s team even further. This matchup won’t be close, with the TPC playing bald-ass mfer Joshua Dobbs at starting QB, while PICY will bounce back from ok games from CMC and Kyren Williams. Nothing on the line here, just pride.