Week 5 of the 2023 season
Week 5 Preview
It’s week 5… the dreaded start of bye weeks. This marks a turning point of the season. The good teams start to separate from the bad, but luck of the bye weeks will start to play a much bigger role. This week we’ve got some of our most heated, most intense rivalry games, with implications on and off fantasy. Let’s break them down.
Puckachu, I choose you! (3-1) Vs. Tuffington U Rizzlers (0-4): The Battle of the Pokerfaces
Sleeper predictions: PICY 129 – RIZZ 127
Expert spread: RIZZ -4
O/U: 260
In this game, we have two of our strongest poker players, Nikith “steals the chard’s money and leaves” Kurella against Kiran “Ski Mask” Krishnamurthi. Both are highly adept at thievery, and this week we see that come to fantasy. Coming off of the worst week of the season, The Rizzlers look to march into the Pokemon Gym and beat gym leader Nikith’s electrifying combination of Pukachu and “Flash” McCaffrey. The Rizzlers may employ Joe “Brr”, an ice-type pokemon in this matchup, although ice-types do not have a distinct advantage over electric pokemon. This may come down to Legendary pokemon Kirk “Couzyns”, Zyn-type, who has the ability to take a 12 milli and rain down touchdowns from the heavens. This ability is negated by prime-time or big games, and this week’s matchup against Kansas City may be ‘game of the week’, and so we will have to see if Couzyns can overcome the strength of the current gym leader. We think this will be a close one, and the Rizzlers will take control of the gym and earn their first Gym badge.
Hall of Lame (3-1) Vs. …Deshaun? Really? (4-0): The Battle for the Top
Sleeper predictions: HOL 138.24 – D?R? 111
Expert spread: HOL -14
O/U: 280
In our ‘Game of the Week’, we see HOL take on top-of-the league D?R? to decide who will reign supreme a top the standings. D?R? is coming into this game having faced immense pressure last week with a last-minute injury to key starter Deshaun “Massage Enthusiast” Watson, which seems will persist into this week. Additionally, the chargers being on bye this week takes arguably the best player on the team, Keenan Allen, out of the starting line up. We see this being a lopsided victory for HOL as they are heating up with the return of Kamara and possibly Saquon, while D?R? faces tough injuries and bye weeks. Although the Hall of Lame has been extremely fraudulent, this week will be the week they start moving themselves into the Hall of OK.
Frauds TM (3-1) Vs. Taylor.. Kelce? (2-2): The Battle for Banana Bread
Sleeper predictions: FRD 124.39 – TK? 135.92
Expert spread: TK -7
O/U: 275
Banana bread enthusiasts rejoice! For this week we have one of our deepest rivalry games. Dean “banana bread maker” vs. AJ “banana bread hater”. A rivalry that stems close to two years, this game will be to quash all banana bread incidents that have ever arisen in the history of the universe. This epic rivalry, brewing for nearly two years, is like the battle of banana bread itself—the age-old debate of nuts or no nuts? But it's not just about baked goods; it's about bragging rights! Dean's Frauds TM might be riding high on a suspiciously miraculous win last week, but TK hasn't shown the ability to break the 140-point barrier all season. While the Frauds have improved dramatically with trading over the last two weeks, they sit at a difficult week, with bye weeks to new starter Kenneth Walker and perennial WR2 Amari Cooper. In this matchup, we predict TK to rise to the occasion, proving once and for all that the Frauds TM are just as fraudulent as a banana bread recipe with raisins. It's time for Dean to eat his words along with a humble slice of AJ's banana bread victory.
Mickey Mouse Clubhouse (1-3) vs. Two Plate Club (1-3): The Battle for KAPPA SIGMA
Sleeper predictions: MMC 116 – TPC 125.09
Expert spread: MMC -5
O/U: 250
Potentially our biggest rivalry of the season, friends turned foes come together in this battle for the ages. Kappa Sigma alumnus TM Aidan “Mickey” Martin faces off against Kappa Sigma dropout Vamsi “Chunky” Chavali. Last week, The Two Plate club ate my words like ice cream and demonstrated that they can actually eat two plates and bench two plates, with a 180 point outing. Meanwhile, the MMC only get more mickey mouse by getting fleeced by the Frauds. The MMC is already gearing up for next year, and its only week 5. However, we see the patron god of Kappa Sigma, Sugma, smile down on Aidan from the heavens and provide a reprieve from fantasy purgatory. Only Aidan will be able to claim his true allegiance to Kappa Sigma after this week.
Team Justzyn (2-2) vs. Herbie Fully Loaded (1-3): The Battle for Ferda
Sleeper predictions: ZYN 133.95 – HFL 118
Expert spread: ZYN -9
O/U: 300
Although we have since left the chard, memories of unit 3 proudly live in each of us. We remember the ferdaness especially, and nobody embodies ferdaness more than Saagar “Down” Basavaraju and Lorcan “Snack Daddy” Kelley. Ferda of the Year is on the line in this game and JustZyns incredibly juiced team faces off against a might 1-3 HFL (who should probably be 3-1). The bye week for Herb Daddy makes this a challenging week for HFL, who also lose Mike Evans, and we see Saagar not only claim Simp of the Year, but also Ferda of the Year! Hopefully this can be a closer fight, or Lorcan may need to turn into Trader Lorcan to add key assets to his team. For saagar, the combination of SOTY and FOTY may be even more gratifying than winning the fantasy league, which just like the cowboys winning the Superbowl, seems like will never happen.