Week 4 of the 2023 season
It’s week 4 baby and that means we are in for another exciting rollercoaster of emotions. So far this year we’ve experienced the highest highs (Aidan trading for Cooper Kupp thinking he fleeced AJ) and the lowest lows (Aidan getting fleeced by AJ in the same trade), but week 4 promises so much more.
Silly season is kicking up, with the Two Plate Club deciding that DK Metcalf cannot bench two plates and therefore shipped him off to the Mickey Mouse Clubhouse for teammate Tyler Lockett and a 3rd round pick. Time will tell if DK Metcalf is able to redeem his bench press game or if he will need to find a genie in the Mickey Mouse Clubhouse to grant him that extra strength.
Outside of the DK trade, we also saw Bijan’s Balls, Dak’s Sack trade for Dak and Etienne from Silence of the Lambs for the worst player in the NFL and some measly picks. Critics overheard renowned NFL scout AJ Johnson say that was a “ABSOLUTE FLEEEECE!” and details are emerging about ownership struggles in the Silence of the Lambs front office, who may be firing ownership for terrible trading very soon. This week will be a proving ground for Saagar to demonstrate that he can take this team to above .500 and potentially live up to the hype.
Hall of Lame v. Silence of the Lambs: The Battle of the Simps
Sleeper projections: 129.88 to 138.28
Expert Spread: SOL -12
O/U: 275
Expert prediction: Saagar rights the ship and steers the team to .500. Ian’s team fails to show up and proves that he is a bigger fraud than the 2020 election results. While Justin fields was a horrendous acquisition, the combination of Tua and JJeff will carry Saagar to his first QW of the year, and render Saagar SIMP OF THE YEAR (SOTY).
Taylor Kelce v. Pukachu I choose you!: The Battle of the Cringiest Team Names
Sleeper projections: 133.07 to 139.23
Expert Spread: TK -9
O/U: 240
Expert Prediction: Taylor Kelce is about to unleash their inner "Swiftie" and take down the waiver wire wizard, Nikith, in a fantasy football matchup that's more dramatic than a Taylor Swift album release night for teenage girls. Picture this: Taylor Kelce struts into the matchup with all the confidence of Taylor Swift in a music video. Patrick "Shake” Mahomes is ready to make some passes to Travis “Taylor” Kelce that are smoother than a love story, leaving Nikith dazed and confused like he just stepped into the "Lover" era. As the game progresses, it's clear that Taylor Kelce aren’t just "Fearless" – they're out for “Bad Blood”, and Nikith's team will be singing "help me now" when they see their score dropping beyond their “Wildest Dreams.” As the final whistle blows, Team TK emerges victorious, and Nikith is left to confess that he "should've said no" to underestimating the power of the Swifties. It's a win that's sweeter than "Red," and Taylor Kelce can't help but dance like nobody's watching.
Mickey Mouse Clubhouse v. Deshaun? Really?: The Battle for the Midwest
Sleeper projections: 122.71 to 134.01
Expert Spread: MMC -1
O/U: 320
Expert Prediction: In the highest scoring expedition of the week, we’ll see Deshaun ? Really? go to their 2ndHappiest Place on Earth and face a hot, hot, hot Mickey M(ass)ouse Clubhouse. Will Deshaun bring back his old ways or will he crumble under the pressure? This matchup is going to be a close one, but the MMC will take down the fantasy leader in a high scoring, down to the wire affair.
The Two Plate Club v. Herbie Fully Loaded: The Battle for the Bottom
Sleeper projections: 122.09 to 122.48
Expert Spread: N/A
O/U: BYE WEEK FOR HFL
Expert Prediction: The two plate club? I think we might be talking about eating and not benching with how chunky this team is. They look like they can’t even walk up a flight of stairs without getting winded, averaging under 110 a week so far. After an incredible week 1, HFL has been less than fully loaded. But we expect a bounce back during the bye week, with the team getting lots of rest and working on their gameplans.
Bijan’s Balls, Dak’s Sack v. Tuffington U Rizzlers: The Battle for Sawtelle
Sleeper projections: 137.04 to 125.55
Expert Spread: BBDS -5
O/U: 300
Expert Prediction: BBDS and TUF are separated by only a few blocks, yet it seems like an ocean. The rich elite at Tuffington U hover over the low class workers at Bijan’s Balls, Dak’s Sack. This week, class warfare comes to a boil and BBDS will not be pulling out of this fight. While this will be a close one, we see BBDS’s new quarterbacks and running backs leading them to a win, and dropping TUF to 0-4.