We are so back. After a long offseason of realignments, reunions, retirements, and retarded draft picks, the PAC-10 has returned to its former glory. Adding Nikith “The Neighbor” Kurella is sure to make the league more competitive, as this guy is infamous for taking the Chard’s money at will. Fan favorites Pete “The Professor” Holmes and Dean “Deanny Dimes” Tessone have come out of retirement and already look like contenders. In other news, Dane “The Bye Week” Gramstrup’s fantasy career came to a merciful end after just one 3-11 season. He will go down in the Chard Hall of Records as the only player in league history to never once open the fantasy app. This year also marks the first season of the keeper league format, allowing AJ to grow even more sexually attracted to his fantasy players over time. 3rd Year Commish Ian “The Big Fundamental” Broadbooks has transitioned the league to Sleeper pretty well so far, but teams have voiced concerns about a few rule changes. According to recent polls, Ian’s approval rating remains a solid 90% for now.
From breakout performances to fairytale endings, the fantasy scriptwriters for Week One did not hold back. Another saga in the storied Ian-Aidan rivalry concluded with a decisive Broadbooks victory. Calvin Ridley definitely took the over because he exploded for 24 points for The Locksmith. When asked by reporters about his team’s performance, Big AIDS merely responded with “💍”. But time will tell if Aidan can repeat his bubble ring magic or if his trade-the-farm mentality will end with him performing Wonderwall on the Las Vegas strip.
After some questionable draft picks and an even more perplexing preseason trade, AJ’s Peace & (Jordan) Love earned a solid 19 point victory over reigning champion Kiran “Freak in the Sheets” Krishnamurthi. According to insider sources, AJ really needs to win big this season if he wants to afford NYC rent with no job. Gay for Mahomies showed some rust in his quest to repeat, particularly from fellow Ohioan Joe “Shiesty” Burrow. Tuffington Post writers heavily criticized Kiran’s benching of USC legend Michael Pittman, whose 23.7 points would have given Kiran the dub.
With ownership in the hot seat and the fanbase hungry for its winning season, Saagar “Sacko” Basavaraju showed why HES THE GOAT in a nail biter over Vamsi “Short King” Chavali. Dak looked like Dak and Dallas Goedert put up a goose, but Saagar was still able to clinch the win with first round pick Josh Allen absolutely selling. Saagar may be a legit contender this season, but we all know he’ll choke at the end of the season like the Cowboys.
Defensive mastermind Peter Holmes touched some serious grass and exploded for 187 points in his return. Even with a solid 151 point effort, Trader Lorcan Kelley was no match for Pete’s dominance on both sides of the ball. Fellow gamer guy Tyreek Hill absolutely balled out for 44.5, but Vamsi still thinks he plays for the Chiefs.
In one of the closest games in league history, Nikith earned a 0.5 point win off a doinking 50-yard Tyler Bass FG at the end of regulation. When asked by his reporters about the excruciating loss, Dean said “bro it’s just a children’s game who cares about fantasy anyway”. Dean’s team sorely missed Mark Andrews, and literally anyone else besides Drake London at flex (0 pts) would have won him the game. Even with dismal QB play and a Tee Higgins goose egg, Nikith put the rest of the league on notice. The scriptwriters should win an Oscar for this one.
High Score: Pete - 187.44 pts
Best team name: Pete - …Deshaun? Really?
Cringiest team name: AJ - Peace & (Jordan) Love
Tuffington Performance - Tee Higgins (0 pts on 8 targets)